Reading: Redirecting Children’s Behavior

Continuing my little series on parenting books with Redirecting Children’s Behavior by Kathryn J. Kvols.

In contrast to Unconditional Parenting, this book contains little theory and much practical application. So, if you already know the why but some guidance on the how, check this one out. It’s a short, easy read, though on the dry side. Here are the chapters I found to be the most helpful.

Chapter 1: Take Care of Yourself. I love that Kathryn Kvols began the book with this chapter, because it’s so important, and so hard to do. I handle toddler meltdowns 100% better when my tank is full.

Chapter 5: Which Way to Responsbility? She talks about the primary life skill we want to teach our children: how to handle responsibility (because obedience is not a life skill). She breaks this down into the following sections, with practical examples and how-to’s:

• Teach your child to make decisions.
• Teach your child to trust his intuition.
• Teach your child to get what she wants.
• Expect your child to be capable.
• Ask for your child’s help.
• Give your child responsibilities.

Chapter 6: Why Do Children Misbehave? I thought this was the best chapter. It describes the four main goals that children have when they misbehave: Attention, Power, Revenge, and Avoidance. It works through how to identify those goals, and how to redirect your child’s behavior in a way that defuses the situation. This chapter also includes a great section on avoiding power struggles.

Chapter 7: Discipline That Teaches Self-Control. A lot of people equate discipline with punishment, but I think in the context of this book, education is a better definition. The goal of discipline is to teach your child to self-regulate, so that she will be motivated to do the right thing and fulfill her responsibilities herself, without someone always cracking the whip.

I love what the author has to say in the section on setting limits.

The purpose of limits is to take care of you. Limits are not designed to control or manipulate someone else’s behavior.

This chapter also had a section on setting logical consequences, which didn’t seem well developed to me. The author claims that logical consequences aren’t supposed to be punishments, but the manipulated consequences she used as examples seemed like something that any kid would interpret as punishment (for example, when the kids left their bikes unlocked on the porch, the dad chained the bikes up so the kids couldn’t use them).

At the end of this chapter is a great checklist of questions to ask yourself about the results of discipline:

1. What happens to your child after she’s disciplined? Is she angry? Do you see her trying to get back at you in an underhanded way? Is she fully cooperating, or is she withdrawn and sullen?
2. What happens to her self esteem? Is it lowered or enhanced?
3. Does she feel empowered to repair her mistake?
4. Does she become more externally motivated or internally motivated?
5. What happens to your relationship? Is communication better? Because of your discipline, will she be more or less likely to tell you about her mistakes in the future? Will she be too afraid?
6. Did you win the battle (get the child to do what you wanted) and lose the war (dampen your delicate relationship)?
7. Does the interaction encourage your child to discuss her wants and feelings? Or does she become hesitant to express her feelings or opinions?
8. Does the interaction empower her ability to solve conflicts in a way that allows both of you to win?
9. Does she learn about her behavior in a way that provides increased choices? Or does she learn that she has no choice at all?

Appendix: Common Behaviors Ages 18 Months to 18 Years. If you are a first-time parent like me, this section alone is probably worth the price of the book. A handy little guide to possible, annoying, normal behaviors for each age range. Here’s the list for 18 months:

• Is negative, says “no” often.
• Does the opposite of what is requested.
• Does not want to share; everything is “my” or “mine.”
• Often hits, kicks, and bites.
• Lacks patience, wants it now.
• Tests limits (can be quite exhausting).
• May climb out of crib.
• Refuses to eat certain foods.
• Regresses to baby food or bottle.
• Clings anxiously or walks away from parent.
• Hates to see doors closed.
• Is afraid of strangers, including grandparents.
• Notices and overreacts to small differences.
• Resists diaper change.
• Sucks thumb; requires “blankie.”
• Fears tubs and baths.
• Explores genitalia.
• Tries to walk away from parent whenever possible.
• Does not play with other children; plays alongside or alone.
• Does not sit very long for cuddling; stiffens or slides off lap.

Honestly, I feel so much better now that I’ve read that!